why didn't you poke me back
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
