so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
