yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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