I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
