my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
