His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
