I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
