I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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