I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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