i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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