It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
