I CAN MOONWALK!
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
