And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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