Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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