The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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