On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize