At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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