I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize