I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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