the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
