Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
