there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
