Just cropdusted the office
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Too much gin, very little bucket
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
