youre lurking in front of me
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
