Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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