Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
