I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
