if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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