i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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