Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
