somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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