you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She's the barista slut.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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