if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
