Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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