Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
