Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
