My sheets look like a crime scene.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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