trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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