I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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