I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
