he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize