I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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