I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
