im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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