She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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