at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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