i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
