someone threw a dead crab at me
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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