He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize