If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You pole danced in your parka.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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