Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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