I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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