I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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