dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he told me I talked like a deaf person
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
