I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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