U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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