Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
