I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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