Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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