i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
